Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?