Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
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I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw