Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.