I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
How about daylight saves us for once
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake