Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
sistine chapel
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.