My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.