im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta