“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”