Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Not😆🤣
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.