2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you