So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
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I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Merica.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles