Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft