Unimpressed
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’d love this…lol
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread