Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don鈥檛 have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me: I鈥檓 sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You鈥檒l have to come back tomorrow
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can鈥檛 find it
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I鈥檇 like a car loan
Me: I鈥檓 not lending you my car
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.