I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Hit me in the face with a bird
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.