Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
🥶🥶🐶🐶
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My dad.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*