There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”