I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.