Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
accurate
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?