Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.