A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.