BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
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There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.