Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ