Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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wtf is a larm clock?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Breaking news:
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald