If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Every time.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
WTF IS THAT!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.