My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without