I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
greetings!
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense