I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Planet of the Apps.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
spot the difference
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”