Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
You Might Also Like
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY