how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
concern
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide