“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying