A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.