Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
#JohnTravolta
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?