My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
You Might Also Like
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.