Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
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Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.