I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…