Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
How it started How it’s going
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
handsome & gretel
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.