I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
True
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants