I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike