Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
You Might Also Like
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
In space, no one can hear…
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this