Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Husband of the year 😂
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what