My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]