I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
This squirrel eats better than I do