They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Lmao the reply