Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I already tried new things thanks.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.