Oh no ππππ
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: youβre supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: Iβm on the moth diet
Her: thatβs not what βeating lightβ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think weβre in the middle of a turf war.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why youβre late?
Me: I didnβt want to give you the false impression that Iβll always be early.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I donβt want to talk to. Itβs not like I can say βSorry mom I was at the movies.β
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I canβt say the same things about my boyfriend.
Yup!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Mrs. Jekyll: Iβm eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.