me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Perfect.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS