You learn something every day
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
What a year we’ve had this week.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I know karate and tons of other words.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.