What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
tis the season
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!