Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
groan^2
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!